Sunday, June 17, 2007

Picking Up The Broken "Me"

For the past 28 years of my life, I've been wondering why is my life not easy? Unlike some people I know, the major problems they've had compared with mine was something that I can't consider a problem at all. OK, I know it's not fair to compare your life with other people's lives. But life hasn't been fair to me lately. And at times, dying is a welcome thought to end my miseries.

Most of my close friends consider me a fighter. I beg to disagree... it's just that I wasn't given a choice but to live with my problems. And now, you can feel that I'm becoming pessimistic. Because I'm so damnnn tired of this life.

Ever since I turned 18, I've been trying my darnest best to please my parents. To saved our family from getting broken. But instead, they've decided to live apart and leave us in the middle of nowhere. Being the eldest, they see me as the one who should took over their responsibilities since they've given up on our family. The sad part of it-- they always made me feel what I was doing was not enough. Well, I've tried almost every possible way for them to hear me out. Remind them that we need to be a family, that we need our parents to take care of us-- their kids. Unfortunately, Jaq failed.

Now I have my own kid. And months ago, I was already settled living as a single parent to my daughter. But then, somebody came and promised to never leave again. To take care of the family... of us-- me and my daughter. I thought this is it... that I'll be able to get what I wanted for so long-- a family. That my daughter's not going to be a part of growing statistics of those who belong from a broken home. That this might have been my reward. However, whatever he promised didn't transpire at all and happiness was short-lived. It was all a lie and all he wanted is getting his own happiness-- from me, without me. I should not have believe in promises. They're just words-- and never again will I believe the same person. I should've never given my trust that easily-- just because of love. And again I failed... the 2nd time around.

All I ever wanted is a FAMILY. Complete with love and respect. That no matter what you've done, they're always there to stay beside you and making sure you're ok. That even if the going gets tough, the tough gets going and nobody's left behind. To help me get through this life. But why is it so hard to keep a family?

After trying to understand why my world is falling apart over and over again, I found an answer. I'm guilty... I'm selfless. I loved and cared for them too much. I don't know if this is wrong. But maybe, I've just got lots of love to give and I'm happy sharing my life with the people I love. And all along... maybe, all that they've love and can love are themselves.

My soul's in agony. I'm so broken. I was given the wrong idea. I'm not strong, again-- I just don't have a choice but face each day like a zombie (translation: living dead). Work, sleep, work. A programmed human.

It will be just me and Jada-- the only members of the family. I should be happy with that thought. I should be contented. But right now, I need to recover. I'm so sorry... I'm just human and I'm going through a lot right now. These days are the roughest, hardest times. Of course, I won't let my daughter suffer from my mistakes. But please, I need time to sulk amidst this sorrowful episode of our life. After 10 years... I've learned my lesson now.

I should only care about me and my daughter-- and no more.