Waiting in Vain

If there's one thing I really hate doing-- it's waiting.

Here I am, waiting for my salary... waiting for the great job opportunity (job offer)... waiting for my backpay... waiting for my other "side jobs" to release my pay... waiting for "him"... waiting for Friday to come... waiting... waiting... and endless waiting.

I'm really not good at it. And this is what God is teaching me... to learn the art of waiting. It's trying my patience. It's making me cry. But I know, this will only make me stronger.

Unhealthy

This has been an ongoing issue for a looong time. Though I'm jobless, I have loss weight again. And my eye bag is on top of another eye bag (imagine that). I'm really getting frustrated. How can I get a job if I'm unhealthy? Who will want an unhealthy employee? And my problem right now is that I need to get medical certificate from my doctor certifying that I'm fit to work.

Now I understand the meaning of health is wealth.

Guilty as charged

I've been neglecting my blog site for several days now... blame it on job hunting, essay writing and house chores... I never thought I'll be this busy even if I don't have a job... In fact, I don't get enough sleep... the good thing about this is is that at least I'm with my daughter 60% of my time here at home.

I'm hoping to land on a job that would not only help me financially, but also-- give me more time to spend with my babies. After all, I don't live to work-- I live for my family.

My current job criteria are: *drumroll*
- it must be day job
- the pay should at least be the same as the amount I was earning before
- not stressful

Yes, I'm choosy. But that's because I chose to be a mom and a wife to my family and not just a breadwinner for them. And I know God's gonna give me that kind of job soon... He knows I'm worth it. ;-)

I hate Flash 8

Argh! I've been studying how to create flash animation for the website that we're about to redeploy. The design is finished already except for this one part. But until now I can't seem to make the globe rotate the way I wanted to. I thought I can work my way with this just by self-study. But my time is running out. Now I believe my instructor's advice about this program-- that I needed to take formal tutorial lessons for this.

But I need money first. Or else, how can I enroll myself in one?

Job Hunting

My client chose one of my design layouts... Thank God! The only problem left concerning this project is the globe animation. After that, everything's set to go.

Now I'm totally cleared from CVG, I'm ready to start anew with my career. Actually, I have scheduled interviews with two companies this week. I hope to start working next week for I'm already running out of budget.

Tough Job

Yipee! The sleepless nights and hardwork paid a lot. I was able to master my designing skills. And-- call me conceited, but comparing from their old website design I feel my client's gonna be happy with the layouts (with fingers crossed)! *grin*

Just a sample...

I was able to create four mock-ups. And I'm just waiting for their approval. Hope they'll like it. I now can design web pages. Looking forward to getting more projects.

Timeout

So, it's web designing for me now. But even though I find it hard to be "creative" once again, I'm really having fun. And now, I'm just taking a short break... I've been trying to finish my client's homepage and started around 7pm studying flash 8. Oh well, this is not all about money. I'm after learning more while earning alongside.

So enough of blogging. I'm now going back to work! ;-)

Career's New Challenge

Yes! At long last, my new employer emailed me the project that they wanted me to do for them. If ever, it's gonna be my first ever official web design! But the biggest challenge for me is to create flash images for this website-- which is something I don't know but I promise myself, I'll do self-study. After all, some people have been able to do this just by using help articles and online tutorials. And most importantly, I need this job sooo bad!

Wish me luck!!!

Transformers... reminiscing your childhood days

I know... a lot have been said about this movie already. Sorry, I'm a fan of this movie. And I can't stop myself from posting this pix ;)

More than meets the eye, huh

One More Try lyrics by Kuh Ledesma

Last Sunday while I was watching ASAP, they paid tribute to one of the great OPM composer Cecille Azarcon. I never knew that she wrote most of the OPM songs that I like. And this song-- One more Try-- I find this one very nice. Very apt for those people in a rocky relationship.

Should we stay or should we say goodbye
Walk away or give it one more try
What a waste to let our dreams just fly
And as the days go by
We'll always wonder why.

Are we glad to find one day we're free
Is this what we really want to be
Brand new lives, we need to have so much
It really is quite tough
When love is not enough.

Tell me why did we find each other
Only to part ways in the end
Tell me how we learned to love each other
And tell me why two people have to change.

Was it pride that made us drift away
Hurting words we should not even say
Hold my hand and look straight in my eyes
If we can't say goodbye
Then we're worth one more try.

The Weekend that was...

Last Sunday was my birthday. Day before that, I got terminated. Then, we had an argument. On the day itself, my mom and I almost clashed again. And I was a bit unwell.

Late in the afternoon, we met at the mall and decided to forget the previous night's discussion. Spent the night watching our brothers play arcade games and we played with our daughter. Had dinner. But the best part of the day was watching Transformers. Really great movie! So at least, my natal day turned out to be special. Twas very memorable... for I was able to spend it with my family.

Quit Playing Games with My Heart

After the last time we had our first major fight and I put closure to our relationship... he's coming back again. And now he's saying he can't afford to loose me. Oh well, such sweet words coming from the person who've caused you so much pain.

I admit. I'm stupid. I'm entertaining his calls again. Of course, there's still love-- but now, it's mix with anger. But what made me talk to him again was the fact that he's now thinking about our kid. Right now, I'm not a 100% convinced with his intentions. I've learned my lesson and I won't let myself be fooled again. If he really wants us back... if he really wants me back, he needs to prove it. And it will take some time for me to accept him (if ever he's proven himself) again. If not, at least I don't have anything to lose.

He makes me happy... but I just can't forget what had happened. It almost ruined me. And I won't let it happen again.

Happy Birthday to Me

Yes, it's my birthday tomorrow... and I'm not happy. I just received a text message from my supervisor telling me that the company decided to discontinue my employment with them. Very timely. I should've filed my resignation months ago and should've never listened to my manager that I should still stay. That's how appreciative they are.

I admit it's all my fault. So don't tell me "I told you so..." because it won't help at all. And now, here I am-- jobless and mindless. *sinking in dune*

A great birthday gift-- termination.

Delayed Job, Unbalanced Budget

I remember posting a few threads earlier that I was supposedly to start with my new homebased job. Unfortunately, they've only informed me today that they wanted me to start not until late August or September. Wish they had advise me sooner. For I swear, this made my finances disorganized again. What is it with this month that made my wheel of fortune tilt again?!

Life is really complicated. The harder you try, the harder you suffer.

Scrapbooking Junkie

Yipeee!!! At long last, I was able to make my first digiscrap using photoshop. Here it is:

I intentionally created this one for my header. However, due to its original shape-- it isn't nice looking once scaled horizontally. Whew, being a photoshop newbie... this doesn't look bad at all. (lols). Now I'm inspired to create some more.

Quotable Quotes

When we experience such turbulent emotions, it is difficult to believe that we could ever feel harmony and peace within ourselves again.

- Very true, for it will take some time before one can recover from the hard blows of life. It is very difficult to forget everything and act just like nothing had happened. Healing is a very long process, and the people that surrounds you will play a great role during this time. This person can be your friend or a family member. But most importantly, you must never give up... even if you're fighting alone.

Good things happen when you believe they will, and that in this world you have to "make your own luck."

- Unfortunately, I failed to believe while I was hurting. I concentrated mostly with pain and lies. I almost forgot the need to believe. That's why I sinked. And now, though I'm still hurting... I am trying to bring my mind-- and life back together again.

The Music Lover in Me

I'm a very sentimental person. And most often than not, there would be a song or two playing over and over my mind (LSS, hehehe)-- depending on my mood. Though I'm not fond of MP3 players nor iPods (which is expensive and it's really not a necessity), it is a MUST that I've got my playlist stored in my PC.

Aside from this blog, I also have this friendster account that I keep on customizing whenever I have time to practice and master my HTML and CSS skills. Right now, as I've checked one of my friend's friendster account, I've discovered imeem.com which makes music online sharing and embedding very easy. You just have to create a playlist via imeem and embed the code on your friendster, myspace or blog for the playlist.

You can check the left pane of my blog for my playlist. Start making one for your site now.

Keeping myself busy

Digiscrapping is one of the crafts I'm into right now. With this, I can test myself how much I've learned from the 3-day photoshop classes I've attended. This is also a better way to enhance my web designing skills.

I'm planning to dress up my blog with a new header using digiscraps. Hope this will squeeze out my creative juices again. ;-)

We are Family!!!

This was taken last March 3, 2007 during Jada's first birthday celebration. Credits to my bestie Owie. I'll be posting some more soon.

Picking Up The Broken "Me"

For the past 28 years of my life, I've been wondering why is my life not easy? Unlike some people I know, the major problems they've had compared with mine was something that I can't consider a problem at all. OK, I know it's not fair to compare your life with other people's lives. But life hasn't been fair to me lately. And at times, dying is a welcome thought to end my miseries.

Most of my close friends consider me a fighter. I beg to disagree... it's just that I wasn't given a choice but to live with my problems. And now, you can feel that I'm becoming pessimistic. Because I'm so damnnn tired of this life.

Ever since I turned 18, I've been trying my darnest best to please my parents. To saved our family from getting broken. But instead, they've decided to live apart and leave us in the middle of nowhere. Being the eldest, they see me as the one who should took over their responsibilities since they've given up on our family. The sad part of it-- they always made me feel what I was doing was not enough. Well, I've tried almost every possible way for them to hear me out. Remind them that we need to be a family, that we need our parents to take care of us-- their kids. Unfortunately, Jaq failed.

Now I have my own kid. And months ago, I was already settled living as a single parent to my daughter. But then, somebody came and promised to never leave again. To take care of the family... of us-- me and my daughter. I thought this is it... that I'll be able to get what I wanted for so long-- a family. That my daughter's not going to be a part of growing statistics of those who belong from a broken home. That this might have been my reward. However, whatever he promised didn't transpire at all and happiness was short-lived. It was all a lie and all he wanted is getting his own happiness-- from me, without me. I should not have believe in promises. They're just words-- and never again will I believe the same person. I should've never given my trust that easily-- just because of love. And again I failed... the 2nd time around.

All I ever wanted is a FAMILY. Complete with love and respect. That no matter what you've done, they're always there to stay beside you and making sure you're ok. That even if the going gets tough, the tough gets going and nobody's left behind. To help me get through this life. But why is it so hard to keep a family?

After trying to understand why my world is falling apart over and over again, I found an answer. I'm guilty... I'm selfless. I loved and cared for them too much. I don't know if this is wrong. But maybe, I've just got lots of love to give and I'm happy sharing my life with the people I love. And all along... maybe, all that they've love and can love are themselves.

My soul's in agony. I'm so broken. I was given the wrong idea. I'm not strong, again-- I just don't have a choice but face each day like a zombie (translation: living dead). Work, sleep, work. A programmed human.

It will be just me and Jada-- the only members of the family. I should be happy with that thought. I should be contented. But right now, I need to recover. I'm so sorry... I'm just human and I'm going through a lot right now. These days are the roughest, hardest times. Of course, I won't let my daughter suffer from my mistakes. But please, I need time to sulk amidst this sorrowful episode of our life. After 10 years... I've learned my lesson now.

I should only care about me and my daughter-- and no more.