Happy Birthday to Me

Yes, it's my birthday tomorrow... and I'm not happy. I just received a text message from my supervisor telling me that the company decided to discontinue my employment with them. Very timely. I should've filed my resignation months ago and should've never listened to my manager that I should still stay. That's how appreciative they are.

I admit it's all my fault. So don't tell me "I told you so..." because it won't help at all. And now, here I am-- jobless and mindless. *sinking in dune*

A great birthday gift-- termination.

Delayed Job, Unbalanced Budget

I remember posting a few threads earlier that I was supposedly to start with my new homebased job. Unfortunately, they've only informed me today that they wanted me to start not until late August or September. Wish they had advise me sooner. For I swear, this made my finances disorganized again. What is it with this month that made my wheel of fortune tilt again?!

Life is really complicated. The harder you try, the harder you suffer.

Scrapbooking Junkie

Yipeee!!! At long last, I was able to make my first digiscrap using photoshop. Here it is:

I intentionally created this one for my header. However, due to its original shape-- it isn't nice looking once scaled horizontally. Whew, being a photoshop newbie... this doesn't look bad at all. (lols). Now I'm inspired to create some more.

Quotable Quotes

When we experience such turbulent emotions, it is difficult to believe that we could ever feel harmony and peace within ourselves again.

- Very true, for it will take some time before one can recover from the hard blows of life. It is very difficult to forget everything and act just like nothing had happened. Healing is a very long process, and the people that surrounds you will play a great role during this time. This person can be your friend or a family member. But most importantly, you must never give up... even if you're fighting alone.

Good things happen when you believe they will, and that in this world you have to "make your own luck."

- Unfortunately, I failed to believe while I was hurting. I concentrated mostly with pain and lies. I almost forgot the need to believe. That's why I sinked. And now, though I'm still hurting... I am trying to bring my mind-- and life back together again.

The Music Lover in Me

I'm a very sentimental person. And most often than not, there would be a song or two playing over and over my mind (LSS, hehehe)-- depending on my mood. Though I'm not fond of MP3 players nor iPods (which is expensive and it's really not a necessity), it is a MUST that I've got my playlist stored in my PC.

Aside from this blog, I also have this friendster account that I keep on customizing whenever I have time to practice and master my HTML and CSS skills. Right now, as I've checked one of my friend's friendster account, I've discovered imeem.com which makes music online sharing and embedding very easy. You just have to create a playlist via imeem and embed the code on your friendster, myspace or blog for the playlist.

You can check the left pane of my blog for my playlist. Start making one for your site now.

Keeping myself busy

Digiscrapping is one of the crafts I'm into right now. With this, I can test myself how much I've learned from the 3-day photoshop classes I've attended. This is also a better way to enhance my web designing skills.

I'm planning to dress up my blog with a new header using digiscraps. Hope this will squeeze out my creative juices again. ;-)

We are Family!!!

This was taken last March 3, 2007 during Jada's first birthday celebration. Credits to my bestie Owie. I'll be posting some more soon.

Picking Up The Broken "Me"

For the past 28 years of my life, I've been wondering why is my life not easy? Unlike some people I know, the major problems they've had compared with mine was something that I can't consider a problem at all. OK, I know it's not fair to compare your life with other people's lives. But life hasn't been fair to me lately. And at times, dying is a welcome thought to end my miseries.

Most of my close friends consider me a fighter. I beg to disagree... it's just that I wasn't given a choice but to live with my problems. And now, you can feel that I'm becoming pessimistic. Because I'm so damnnn tired of this life.

Ever since I turned 18, I've been trying my darnest best to please my parents. To saved our family from getting broken. But instead, they've decided to live apart and leave us in the middle of nowhere. Being the eldest, they see me as the one who should took over their responsibilities since they've given up on our family. The sad part of it-- they always made me feel what I was doing was not enough. Well, I've tried almost every possible way for them to hear me out. Remind them that we need to be a family, that we need our parents to take care of us-- their kids. Unfortunately, Jaq failed.

Now I have my own kid. And months ago, I was already settled living as a single parent to my daughter. But then, somebody came and promised to never leave again. To take care of the family... of us-- me and my daughter. I thought this is it... that I'll be able to get what I wanted for so long-- a family. That my daughter's not going to be a part of growing statistics of those who belong from a broken home. That this might have been my reward. However, whatever he promised didn't transpire at all and happiness was short-lived. It was all a lie and all he wanted is getting his own happiness-- from me, without me. I should not have believe in promises. They're just words-- and never again will I believe the same person. I should've never given my trust that easily-- just because of love. And again I failed... the 2nd time around.

All I ever wanted is a FAMILY. Complete with love and respect. That no matter what you've done, they're always there to stay beside you and making sure you're ok. That even if the going gets tough, the tough gets going and nobody's left behind. To help me get through this life. But why is it so hard to keep a family?

After trying to understand why my world is falling apart over and over again, I found an answer. I'm guilty... I'm selfless. I loved and cared for them too much. I don't know if this is wrong. But maybe, I've just got lots of love to give and I'm happy sharing my life with the people I love. And all along... maybe, all that they've love and can love are themselves.

My soul's in agony. I'm so broken. I was given the wrong idea. I'm not strong, again-- I just don't have a choice but face each day like a zombie (translation: living dead). Work, sleep, work. A programmed human.

It will be just me and Jada-- the only members of the family. I should be happy with that thought. I should be contented. But right now, I need to recover. I'm so sorry... I'm just human and I'm going through a lot right now. These days are the roughest, hardest times. Of course, I won't let my daughter suffer from my mistakes. But please, I need time to sulk amidst this sorrowful episode of our life. After 10 years... I've learned my lesson now.

I should only care about me and my daughter-- and no more.

Tomorrow... soon we'll see

After texting and calling him everyday just to pester him, tomorrow we'll be visiting his place. What for??? I know you'll ask. After all the hurt and pain I've been through, he's still the father of my daughter. And his family sincerely misses our kid. Do I miss him? Yes, I do. Oh, how I love to wring his neck and give him his much deserve slap on his face. Just kidding.

I maybe crazy. But I still want him to celebrate-- for the first time-- Father's day. He has to realize (I don't know if it has deeply sinked-in) that he's already a father and has to give his fair share of responsibility (that has been delayed for so long).

Well, am I ready to face this person? That I have to see...

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Burdens

My family... instead of being my allies, they are my number one problem.

Let me start with my mother. She thinks that because she's the one who brought me out in this world, I should pay her back by giving her money and that it's my obligation to make her life always comfortable even though she already sees that I'm working like a dog. And if things won't go her way, I'll either be verbally or physically abuse. That's how she loves me!

Then, there are my brothers. All I ever wanted is for them to finish their studies while I'm still capable of supporting them. Only to find out that the only reason that they go to school is their daily allowance. And after having to remind them over and over again that they should study well, they will let out sarcastic remarks that would only made me frustrated or mad.

Lastly, my father. He stop caring about us. He doesn't even provide for my sibs because I'm always here... to help all of them.

Now, who's gonna take care of me?

Sorry

I almost cried again after seeing the family pictures of one my friends. Her daughter and mine are of the same age. And from the pictures, I saw the glow in the eyes of her daughter while smiling. Not that my daughter can't smile the same way right now... it's just that she will soon discover how hard our life is. How different our life is from other families.

I know my daughter is a bright kid. Time will come that I have to explain to her truthfully the way of the world and she'll understand. I am so sorry that I wasn't able to keep my promise to fight for our family. That she'll understand her daddy quited. That her daddy is happy somewhere else. That all he thinks of is himself and his future which doesn't include us.

Don't worry baby, everything's gonna be alright with just the two of us just like before. Mommy's gonna be working double time for our own family-- without him.

Calm Down

I'm not functioning anymore. I'm paralyzed. I'm not the same old Jaq. Even prayers can't help me. No amount of consoling can help me. They say it takes two to tango, but all the while I'm the only one dancing the dance. And he has another partner.

Give me peace of mind. I want serenity. Where can I find it?

I don't care what other people will say. Anyway, they never really cared. I don't care what happens... what consequences I'll get from this-- being mean. I'm tired of being miss goody two shoes. Nobody wants me to be happy. Because all they care about are themselves and how beneficial it will be with me. I'm tired of being used and abused.

Somehow, I need to calm down after going through a battle. Will someone teach me how?

The battle has just begun

Yes indeed... it has just begun.

After having to let go, now hatred's beginning to rise up. Why? Because all he thinks of is himself. Oh yeah. You're self-centered. You don't really know what's the meaning of love. Love is selfless. Love is about giving yourself. You think needing is loving. All you think of is yourself and your dreams. You don't even think of the welfare of your kid. You didn't even give your fair share of responsibility. The hell! Do you think you're going to be successful in the future after leaving your responsibilities? Good luck.

You're such a lucky guy. You got what I wanted-- family. They always make the decisions for you. Indecisive. No backbone. Excuses, excuses.

I'm really mad. My kid and I were getting along fine, then one day you just showed up. Just because I wanted our daughter to have a complete set of parents... have a real family-- I trusted you again. And I'm so damn stupid to believe you. You're so good with words. You could have been a poet, or a writer. Because somehow, you've managed to make others believe your lies... that I was the one who pursued everything again?! WTF!

Now I feel like a monster. You turned me evil. Because all I can think of right now are negative thoughts. Pestered you through text messages... it's all that I can do to let those ill feelings out, to vent out my angst. Thinking that will bother your conscience and will somehow shake your nut (but I don't think you were moved at all). You took my happiness away, again. I don't deserve this treatment. And now I'm having a hard time... I can't turn back. My soul is broken once more. And it's all because of you. And since you shook my world, I won't let you get away. You don't have the right to be happy.

I love your family so much. And I envy you for having them. Unlike you, all you give them are problems. And I want you to learn your lesson... have a dose of your own medicine. For your daughter. For me. I'm not the good old girl you used to know. It's payback time.

It's Over

It's over... Yes, I'm single once more. But I can never be happy again. I have to let go. I'm hoping he'd find what he's looking for in his life. With the "remembrance" he gave me... how can I forget someone who taught me how to love someone selflessly? Who gave me my Jada... the man I will love and loved-- eventually. I wish it'll be soon enough for me to be with the man I deserve in this lifetime.

I must hate him... I just don't know how. It's a long process of getting over. He said he needs to learn to decide for himself. But he's scared of risks. He said he needs to know what will make him happy. But it's "us" who'll always make you happy... you just don't realize that now because you've got everyone else to depend on.

Whatever makes you happy. I'll leave you in peace, even though my mind and heart right now are at war. I'll go on with my life-- with Jada. Do remember this... both you and Jada will always be my baby.

Jada Kulet

She's really growing up... fast!

She can follow simple instructions like "get mommy your powder" or "lay down" when she's ready to sleep. She also knows that if it's hot, she shouldn't touch it.

She also can say a few words-- ma'mam (for water), On-on (his uncle Ronron) or Ang-ang (for uncle Janjan), am (food-- this one we didn't taught her though) and mama (her lola).

At times she's a handful... I admit that there are times she's getting into my nerves and would try my patience. Especially if I told her not to touch something she curious with, she'll either slowly put her hands into it or quickly slap it. Argh!

You're such a darling my baby Jada! *kulet*

I Miss My Daughter...

Everytime I need to go to work, I have to drag myself and make my feet step out of the house. Why? Ok, aside from being unmotivated... the number 1 reason is the fact that I hate leaving my daughter. Even though the reason is valid (that I need to work), it's hard for a working mom to leave her daughter for more than 8 hours a day.

She's still sleeping every time I leave and when I come home, I'm already tired... making it hard for me to spend a little time with her and play. But still, I try to exert some effort to bond with her... especially during weekends.

I know that right now it doesn't matter who's with her most of the time. But I just can't stop this guilty feeling. And I know that when the time comes she's matured enough to understand everything, I won't be having difficulties explaining why mommy needs to be out of the house during day time.

How I wish I'm rich and never need to work for our living.

Earn While Blogging

While waiting for my "baby boy," I remember to add another post regarding earning online thru blogging. I've got rejected (I mean, my blog) for PPP opportunities and Smorty since my blog is just new. Good thing there's Google AdSense. Though the earnings is just small since it's pay-per-click from the ads you'll find at the bottom of my blog.

Oh boy! I'm so excited to earn some more $$money$$!!!

Prayer Database

Months ago, I found a prayer database link and I must admit that at times we are not in trouble, we tend to forget the most important thing... our faith.

Not that I totally forgot praying. It's just not as deep as I do it before. And I'm not proud of this... because it just means that I'm also like other people-- that in happy times, tends to neglect our relationship with Him.

I hope that by sharing this web link, I am also sharing my faith. And may this be a reminder to me that whatever happens, He is the only one I can rely on.

New Work

I must be lucky when it comes to finding a new job.

Got a new home based job. Not as good paying as the old one, but with two families I'm supporting-- it's enough. I pray that this one will last... and my task would not be as tough and wouldn't require as much technical knowledge as the old one. Not that I don't like my previous job. In fact, I have learned so much from that job. It's just hard to thread unknown grounds. And I thank my previous employers for recommending me with my new employers. How I miss them!

And, this will only mean one thing-- more sleepless nights (again). After having recovered from my thyroid problems which was also due to stress, I hope I won't have health issues again.

And I hope it isn't true... that I'm not unlucky with the other kind-- love. ;-)

Help is on the way

I maybe sick... I don't know what to think anymore... I wanna end this all.

Please help me... everyday, I discover new things. I don't know if it's a gift that I'm resourceful and I have good resources. I am so tired. When will I wake up?

But I am so stubborn. I don't want to wake up. I don't want to change my ways. And the more I do this, the more I get hurt.

But still... I am just waiting here Lord. I don't know what I'm waiting for. Maybe a miracle. Maybe my end. You don't want me lonely all my life. Be my light to happiness. Be my guide to the right path. I'll follow your lead.

Is it worth to hang on?

There are things in life that you don't know if they're worth waiting for or you simply have to let go as early as NOW. Two of those things: work and love.

I admit that I want to resign from my present work, simply because I'm not happy anymore. I'm a very spontaneous person and I hate being in a routine. Nothing to keep you inspired. You're like a walking bundy clock-- start working when time's in and stop when time's up.Then go home and end the day, looking forward to not anything new but something you're used to do everyday. How can I be motivated? It's not just money, it's more of self-fulfillment.

Everybody needs love. But is the situation I'm in called l-o-v-e? I've given my terms, I've let go of myself. But still, it's not enough-- for him. And now, I'm getting a bit tired of working to make the relationship work. And every time I've feel this feeling, I'm thinking of just setting him free... to make things easy for him. But I can't let go, I don't want to. For I know he loves us, and doesn't want to give up as well. I appreciate the tiniest effort he exerts to make things work out... however, with our age (being in late 20s), he's not yet ready to dedicate his life and be committed to our family. I'm not asking for anything material. It's just that I need a man, my daughter needs a father. When will he grow up? Sometimes, love just ain't enough.

I have to decide. I just have to pray hard for His guidance. I hope He'll make me wiser in making these decisions and hope that He'll help me be happy with whatever decision I make.